Where Everybody Knows You're Numb

BoxDog · Guru

RE: violence: domestic, and otherwise

Psych Lit · Guru

Nightowlhoot3 wrote:

Help May Be On the Way
Last year, Feministing reports, Congress failed to use all the funding allocated for domestic violence. In addition to making full use of available money, activists want Congress to support the Violence Against Women Act, an anti-violence law originally passed in 1994 that aids domestic-violence shelters and other services relating to sexual and domestic violence, sexual assault and stalking.
Also, President Obama's budget includes funding to reduce domestic violence and enhance emergency care systems.

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at least this is good news. its always on the backs of women and children. bah

Nightowlhoot3 · Guru

As Domestic Violence Increases, Shelter Doors Closing to Victims

Mar 13th 2009
By Lauren Fritsky

The rich and famous are not immune to domestic violence -- no one is. And the recession is only fueling the fighting -- the National Council on Family Violence received an average of 1,000 more calls than usual in every month of 2008.

What's worse is that many of the shelters that house these women and their kids are struggling financially and running out of room as client numbers rise.

Cities and States at Risk
The Women's Center and Shelter of Greater Pittsburgh, for instance, turned away 360 women and children -- a 125 percent increase -- from July 2008 to December 2008, while clients increased 19 percent. Shirl Regan, executive director at the shelter, says violence is on the rise because the economy is increasing the stress at home."It's that violence we've been asking the women about when they call and they say yes they have seen an increase and they are fearful for their lives and the lives of their children," Regan said.

Click here for more.

Vickie Smith, the executive director of the Illinois Coalition Against Domestic Violence, says if state funding for violence shelters doesn't hold steady, thousands of women might be denied services in her state. She says shelters' operational expenses are rising because of higher energy costs and inflation.

A proposed 10 percent cut in the domestic and sexual violence services fund is threatening shelters in Oregon. Minnesota's shelters -- like many shelters around the country -- are also experiencing overcrowding because it's taking women longer to get back on their feet.

Help May Be On the Way
Last year, Feministing reports, Congress failed to use all the funding allocated for domestic violence. In addition to making full use of available money, activists want Congress to support the Violence Against Women Act, an anti-violence law originally passed in 1994 that aids domestic-violence shelters and other services relating to sexual and domestic violence, sexual assault and stalking.

Also, President Obama's budget includes funding to reduce domestic violence and enhance emergency care systems.

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Psych Lit · Guru

My Turn wrote:
________________________________________

this too is the part that boogles my mind.....i mean, when you get involved with someone, you dont always know how they are. but soon, you do realize abuse is going on. sometimes it takes time to get to the point that something is done....especially if children are involved or one needs to get a job or stash money away to leave......
i think the problem is that it rarely starts out in a severe way. it may begin with some jealous moment where the partner says something like oh i just wanted to be with you and missed you soo much. sounds romantic on the surface but if you dig deeper its really the beginnings of isolating someone from friends and family. Maybe next time there will be a stronger reaction and on and on til shes getting beaten for phone calls or visits to friends or spending money. I remember going to hear hedda nussbaum speak years ago. I dont know how many remember her but one of her children was killed by her husband and the other badly abused. nussbaum herself, once a beautiful and powerful woman with a great job and a great future, lived chained like a dog in the kitchen. her face was no longer recognizable from the woman she had once been. clearly she should have left but by the time the police arrived for the dead child she was nothing more than a shell of who she had been. she hadnt the strength to protect her child let alone herself. that happens. and it happens a lot especially to women with children.

for me, i have never had any dv issues in my female relationships or with anyone i was just dating. with my kids dad...he was abusive and i did put up with it for a long time. i did cause i didnt see a way out and was insecure and thought i needed to stay for the kids. all stupid justifications.....however, when it came to the point that the violence escalated and i needed to call the police....i was done. he was arrested and was never allowed back into my house. no begging by him, no apologies, no "the kids should have a mom and dad in the house," no "i have no where else to go"...nothing.
you were fortunate to have gotten out when you did.
what i dont understand are those that have the violence going on.....call the police or not...but realize the danger they are in....who claim they dont want to live like that any longer.....but dont make a plan to leave.....some even go so far as to get restraining orders....get the guy out and then drop the matter when it comes time for the hearing, and let the guy move back in.....i have even known women who were not married to the men abusing them, no kids in the house, who claim there is no sexual relationship and yet they still have this unusual attachment to that person who abuses/abused them and they still choose to live with them and give the illusion of a couple....maybe convenience...maybe it feeds some deep pyschological need....idk.... i just dont understand the "hold" these men are able to have over these women and why the women allow it.
i dont think its a question of them allowing it. women who find themselves in this position also understand that leaving will be the most dangerous time for them. 3 out of 4 women murdered are killed by a partner or family member. orders of protection are not all that useful. if someone wants to kill ya they will do so. if they want to stalk they will stalk and short of dropping off the face of the earth or dealing with it in a violent way there isnt much that you can do to stop them. the hold is fear. if you think they were mad before the arrest imagine how mad they are gonna be when they get out. the abusive person is usually back out in 24 hours or less and back on your doorstep cept now they are really pissed off and that intimidates women into dropping the charges and that piece of paper isnt going to stop the result of that anger. still its worth it to get it to protect the kids from being taken by childrens services. if they are lucky enough to get the police to come before blood is drawn their reward in most states will be to be arrested themselves and unless the get bonded out or are released oending a court date the kiddos will go away till they get out of jail. this keeps women from reporting the abuse. then there is the money issue. holding out money can get women killed tho if there is a way they should be making those plans to leave. sometimes a shelter is the best choice. at least then there is a safe place for a couple of months till they can find a place to go.
i realize there are many abusive situations in lesbian relationships....and i am sure many where they continue the crazy cycle of kick em out, take em back....but as was stated above...we have a choice and why do some continue to allow them selves to be used and abused....?? life is way too short..
and the time to do the leaving is at the first sign of possessiveness or control. the deeper in women get the harder it is to extricate themselves.

.and the scary part of leaving an abusive relationship is not as scary as living in the relationship once one makes the choice to rescue themselves. it also gets frustrating for people who choose to help someone get out, because many times, they just go right back to the abuser. i talked with the daughter of one of these women before and she said, ya know, i will never understand why she keeps him around, what she is looking for, or even if she IS lookin for anyone other than him. but she is my mom and i will go every time she decides to kick him out. but if it were any one else other than my mom, i would have given up a long time ago.
shes probably looking to stay alive and not thinking that she has a real choice.
how many of us know someone like this? or how many times have you seen "cops" on tv and the officers respond to a dv call, and the all of the sudden the woman starts begging the cops not the arrest the guy.....dv is a very complicated issue....very sad all around.

Nightowlhoot3 · Guru

From Lambda.org:

**Domestic Violence in Gay, Lesbian, and Bisexual Relationships**
*Partner battering and abuse in Queer relationships:* Domestic violence in the GLBT community is a serious issue. The rates of domestic violence in same-gender relationships is roughly the same as domestic violence against heterosexual women (25%). As in opposite-gendered couples, the problem is likely underreported. Facing a system which is often oppressive and hostile towards queers, those involved in same-gender battering frequently report being afraid of revealing their sexual orientation or the nature of their relationship. Others who do not identify as GLBT may not feel that their relationship fits the definition but may still be in an abusive and dangerous relationship. *In many ways, domestic violence in lesbian, bisexual and gay relationships is the same as in opposite-gendered (e.g., heterosexually-paired) relationships:* No one deserves to be abused. Abuse can be physical, sexual, emotional, psychological, and involve verbal behavior used to coerce, threaten or humiliate. Abuse often occurs in a cyclical fashion. The purpose of the abuse is to maintain control and power over one's partner. The abused partner feels alone, isolated and afraid, and is usually convinced that the abuse is somehow her or his fault, or could have been avoided if she or he knew what to do. *Several important aspects of lesbian, bisexual, and gay relationships mean domestic violence is often experienced differently:* It is frequently incorrectly assumed that lesbian, bi and gay abuse must be "mutual." It is not often seen as being mutual in heterosexual battering. Utilizing existing services (such as a shelter, attending support groups or calling a crisis line) either means lying or hiding the gender of the batterer to be perceived (and thus accepted) as a heterosexual. Or it can mean "coming out", which is a major life decision. If lesbians, bi's and gays come out to service providers who are not discreet with this information, it could lead to the victim losing their home, job, custody of children, etc. This may also precipitate local and/or statewide laws to affect some of these changes, depending on the area. Telling heterosexuals about battering in a lesbian, bi or gay relationship can reinforce the myth many believe that lesbian, bi and gay relationships are "abnormal." This can further cause the victim to feel isolated and unsupported. The lesbian, bi and gay community is often not supportive of victims of battering because many want to maintain the myth that there are no problems (such as child abuse, alcoholism, domestic violence, etc.) in lesbian, bi and gay relationships. Receiving support services to help one escape a battering relationship is more difficult when there are also oppressions faced. Battered lesbians and female bisexuals automatically encounter sexism and homophobia, and gay and bisexual men encounter homophobia. Lesbian or gay people of color who are battered also face racism. These forms of social oppressions make it more difficult for these groups to get the support needed (legal, financial, social, housing, medical, etc.) to escape and live freely from an abusive relationship. Lesbian, bi and gay survivors of battering may not know others who are lesbian, bi or gay, meaning that leaving the abuser could result in total isolation. Lesbians, bisexuals and gays are usually not as tied financially to their partner, which can be a benefit if they decide to end the relationship. However, if their lives are financially intertwined, such as each paying a rent or mortgage and having "built a home together", they have no legal process to assist in making sure assets are evenly divided, a process which exists for their married, heterosexual counterparts. The lesbian, bi and gay community within the area may be small, and in all likelihood everyone the survivor knows will soon know of their abuse. Sides will be drawn and support may be difficult to find. Anonymity is not an option, a characteristic many heterosexual survivors can draw upon in "starting a new life" for themselves within the same city. In same-sex abuse, a pattern of violence or behaviors exists where one seeks to control the thoughts, beliefs, or conduct of their intimate partner, or to punish their partner for resisting their control. This may been seen as physical or sexual violence, or emotional and verbal abuse. An additional form of emotional abuse for someone who is gay, lesbian, or bisexual may be to out them at work or to family or friends. Local resources for domestic violence in the GLBT community are often scarce and many traditional domestic violence services lack the training, sensitivity, and expertise to adequately recognize and address abusive GLBT relationships. A Queer individual who is being battered must overcome homophobia and denial of the issue of battering. Lesbians, bisexuals and gay men who have been abused have much more difficulty in finding sources of support than heterosexual women who are battered by their male partners. Here are more ways same-gender domestic violence is unique: For more, click here.

My Turn · Senior Member

Psych Lit wrote:

we all have the choice of who we let into our lives and why let anyone in who will mistreat you?

___________________________________________

this too is the part that boogles my mind.....i mean, when you get involved with someone, you dont always know how they are. but soon, you do realize abuse is going on. sometimes it takes time to get to the point that something is done....especially if children are involved or one needs to get a job or stash money away to leave......

for me, i have never had any dv issues in my female relationships or with anyone i was just dating. with my kids dad...he was abusive and i did put up with it for a long time. i did cause i didnt see a way out and was insecure and thought i needed to stay for the kids. all stupid justifications.....however, when it came to the point that the violence escalated and i needed to call the police....i was done. he was arrested and was never allowed back into my house. no begging by him, no apologies, no "the kids should have a mom and dad in the house," no "i have no where else to go"...nothing.

what i dont understand are those that have the violence going on.....call the police or not...but realize the danger they are in....who claim they dont want to live like that any longer.....but dont make a plan to leave.....some even go so far as to get restraining orders....get the guy out and then drop the matter when it comes time for the hearing, and let the guy move back in.....i have even known women who were not married to the men abusing them, no kids in the house, who claim there is no sexual relationship and yet they still have this unusual attachment to that person who abuses/abused them and they still choose to live with them and give the illusion of a couple....maybe convenience...maybe it feeds some deep pyschological need....idk.... i just dont understand the "hold" these men are able to have over these women and why the women allow it.

i realize there are many abusive situations in lesbian relationships....and i am sure many where they continue the crazy cycle of kick em out, take em back....but as was stated above...we have a choice and why do some continue to allow them selves to be used and abused....?? life is way too short...and the scary part of leaving an abusive relationship is not as scary as living in the relationship once one makes the choice to rescue themselves. it also gets frustrating for people who choose to help someone get out, because many times, they just go right back to the abuser. i talked with the daughter of one of these women before and she said, ya know, i will never understand why she keeps him around, what she is looking for, or even if she IS lookin for anyone other than him. but she is my mom and i will go every time she decides to kick him out. but if it were any one else other than my mom, i would have given up a long time ago.

how many of us know someone like this? or how many times have you seen "cops" on tv and the officers respond to a dv call, and the all of the sudden the woman starts begging the cops not the arrest the guy.....dv is a very complicated issue....very sad all around.

Psych Lit · Guru

Nightowlhoot3 wrote:

By Peter Gould
BBC News Online correspondent
One in four adults in Britain has experienced domestic violence, a poll for the BBC suggests.
In the survey of more than 1,000 people, a quarter said they had been involved in violence, either as the victim or perpetrator.
They were asked whether they had been involved in any incident of domestic fighting, hitting, punching, kicking or having sex against the will of one partner.
interesting figures tho i think they are prolly underreported. at one point the stats in the US were near 60% for heterosexual relationships. Those figures tho included a range of behaviors from using anger as a weapon, controllng spending, controlling associations, using jealousy as a way to control the relationship, shoving, breaking things, all the way up to violent attacks, rape and death. when all of those behaviors are taken into account the stats are off the wall.
which brings me to the nearly similar percentage of males in this article reporting abuse and this appears to me to be the bly effect in action. either that or the question was a general has there ever been dv in any relationship that youve been in may mask the idea that the perp is answering yes despite not being the victim of said violence.
but when women began taking domestic violence seriously, forcing the police to do the same the inevitable backlash occured. the party line is yes men can overpower women and when they hit, punch, batter, they do more damage but, and heres the really hard part of this, the party line is that women do damage with their mouths, provoking the violence that befalls them. yup thats the bly effect. they activate that primitive brute warrior alpha male and cause him to react. gag.
now in truth unchecked anger, threats, intimidation, manipulation no matter who is doing the behaviors *is* abuse. an argument is not abuse. in and of itself anyway. to minimize the life threatening kinds of abuse that women are subjected to daily by saying yeah well she asked for it, or wrapping it in bly and saying she knew she was pushing the buttons so she is equally responsible for what happens.
these days women report more past incidences but not present ones. recent studies report that 44 percent of adult women have been in at least one violent relationship but when asked if they are now the number drops to the single digits. there is shame, stigma, job loss, having kids taken in states where dual arrest laws apply, loss of insurance coverage, all of this on top of the same kids of things that silenced women since the beginning of time.
i think its important to know the kinds of abusive behaviors that do appear in relationships. the stat on lesbian relationships is 30% have reported abuse in a current or past relationship. thats prolly low since many women who live in areas with small lesbian populations will be reluctant to report to the authorities or to a het researcher. i can identify several that have occured in relationships with women that i have explored in the past and are often the reason that the relationship wasnt pursued further. things like using jealousy or threats, real or implied to keep you in line, using emotions or jealousy to keep you from going out with others, using homophobia as a weapon saying, for instance, that a partner is not a "real" lesbian something that is often hurled at lesbians with children btw. or taking advantage of a partners reluctance to go to the authorities. i think its a rare person who can look at that wheel and not find something from their past relationships.

Six out of 10 of those questioned said that domestic violence was not acceptable under any circumstances.
But three out of 10 were prepared to make an exception where one of the partners had been unfaithful - slightly fewer (27%) where one person had nagged the other.
yeah that latter is the her mouth made me do it defense. blech.

When it came to domestic violence at the hands of someone they loved, about two-thirds said they could put up with occasional name calling, and one woman in five would accept an isolated slap or punch.

2/3? im shocked really. thats so awful. this goes along with the article that you posted yesterday some feeling that if someone really cares they will show it in possessive or passionate ways. passionate meaning full of emotion but not in a good way. really, this is crap. we all have the choice of who we let into our lives and why let anyone in who will mistreat you?
But eight out of 10 thought that repeated violence would spell the end of the relationship.
and heres the thing. its the rare relationship that begins its abusive cycle with a kick a punch or a rape. they work their way up to these things and it starts with the name calling and the jealous rages and the silent treatment or any other small way to coerce people to do as you want them to do.

The survey revealed that one person in 20 was in, or had been in, a relationship where one partner had been forced to have sex against their will.
This was reported by five times as many women as men.

Almost half the respondents thought it was up to the people concerned to sort it out, behind closed doors

Thirty per cent of all those questioned said that in some circumstances domestic violence could be forgiven, although women were less forgiving.

this is surprising.
Almost half the respondents thought it was up to the people concerned to sort it out, behind closed doors.
Only 29% thought that the police should always be called in such cases.
But a majority - 62% - thought that information about people who hit their partners should be shared among the police and social services.

thats kind of contradictory. i wonder how these are different?

Nightowlhoot3 · Guru

I read this rather chilling (in red by me for emphasis) BBC article reporting the findings of a 2003 survey, and thought I'd share:

Tuesday, 18 February, 2003, 16:10 GMT

Scale of domestic abuse uncovered

One person in four experiences domestic violence



By Peter Gould BBC News Online correspondent

One in four adults in Britain has experienced domestic violence, a poll for the BBC suggests.

In the survey of more than 1,000 people, a quarter said they had been involved in violence, either as the victim or perpetrator.

They were asked whether they had been involved in any incident of domestic fighting, hitting, punching, kicking or having sex against the will of one partner.

The research by pollsters ICM covered all relationships from short-term to marriage.

Many suffer in silence - click here to read about one woman's experience

More than a quarter of the women who were questioned - 27% - said they had been physically abused. The corresponding figure for men was 21%.

Of those who had been involved in domestic violence, 37% of women had reported an incident to the police, compared with 19% of men.

In cases where the police had been called in, four out of five women said the relationship had broken down. Yet half the men said it had continued.

Not surprisingly, people now separated or divorced were most likely to say they had experienced domestic violence.

Poll findings

Domestic violence acceptable if partner has been unfaithful 30%

More than a third of the sample said they knew someone who had experienced domestic violence but women were much more likely than men to tell a friend to go to the police.

Yet the issue of whether the police should intervene in cases of domestic violence remains contentious.

Nearly three out of 10 people surveyed believe that the police should always be called. But twice as many feel they should not be routinely involved.

Seven out of 10 people said they thought the police were more likely to give priority to dealing with an incident between two people in the street than a disturbance between a man and a woman in their own home.

Questioned about their own response to someone who was kicking or mistreating their dog, 78% said they would intervene or call the RSPCA or the police.

DOMESTIC VIOLENCE

Results from our poll

In Pictures

But when it came to someone kicking or mistreating their partner, only 53% said they would intervene or call the police.

Six out of 10 of those questioned said that domestic violence was not acceptable under any circumstances.

But three out of 10 were prepared to make an exception where one of the partners had been unfaithful - slightly fewer (27%) where one person had nagged the other.

But physical violence, particularly when repeated, was seen as less excusable where one or both the partners had been drinking too much.

Rape

When it came to domestic violence at the hands of someone they loved, about two-thirds said they could put up with occasional name calling, and one woman in five would accept an isolated slap or punch.

But eight out of 10 thought that repeated violence would spell the end of the relationship.

The survey revealed that one person in 20 was in, or had been in, a relationship where one partner had been forced to have sex against their will.

This was reported by five times as many women as men.

One woman in 10 said they could accept a single instance of forced sex, but very few would tolerate it on a regular basis. Almost nine out of 10 said it would end the relationship.

Almost half the respondents thought it was up to the people concerned to sort it out, behind closed doors

Thirty per cent of all those questioned said that in some circumstances domestic violence could be forgiven, although women were less forgiving.

Almost half the respondents thought it was up to the people concerned to sort it out, behind closed doors.

Only 29% thought that the police should always be called in such cases.

But a majority - 62% - thought that information about people who hit their partners should be shared among the police and social services.

People were also questioned about cases where a victim of domestic violence had killed or maimed the abusing partner.

Three out of 10 thought that the victim of the abuse should not be prosecuted, although twice as many thought they should face charges.

Criminal

The extent of domestic violence has always been difficult to measure because many people are reluctant to talk about their own experiences.

This survey confirms that it is still a major social problem that affects people of all ages and social classes, right across the country.

Of those with relationships, past or present, half said they had no personal experience of domestic violence, either physical or verbal.

But many others reported a wide range of abusive behaviour, ranging from hurtful name calling to more serious forms of aggression that were clearly criminal.

Yet the survey also shows that the country is far from agreed about the way the police should respond to domestic violence.

ICM interviewed a random sample of 1020 adults aged 18+, face to face, between 25th and 31st January 2003. Interviews were conducted across the country and the data has been weighted to the profile of all adults.