ok, re-reading my post, i am not sure i made my point very clearly. i wanted to say that you are doing something similar yet different from me. (you are asking actual relationship and "what should i/she do?" advice for either you or your friend, i asked for advice to improve myself within the relationship). i hope that by doing this, it doesnt come to kick you or your friend in the butt and cost you or her the relationship as it did me. altho, if each feels strongly about the other, it "shouldn't," but one never knows. so i guess i can offer neutral advice...and that would be: proceed with caution when asking for advice.
good luck and i really hope it works out the way its supposed to.
i would so like to help with my input, but i just cant...i once asked advice from a person with a degree in sociology, not about my relationship, but about how to improve my communication skills in the realtionship because i loved this person with every ounce of my being that i wanted to make "me" better for her....and i also expressed to someone else how much i loved this person....(didnt know it was wrong...i mean, how many of us, when we are sooooooo happy and in love and the whole world is shining brightly and you feel like you are flying on top of the world because of the one you love, havent gushed about that person and the love one feels for them, to others???) but, anyway, i later learned i was wrong....the love of my life felt betrayed...from what i understand, she thought i was talking about her...not me...and when i gushed about how happy i was with the woman of my dreams, this info was relayed back to my girl, but my statements were changed/twisted and she thought i was lying....it cost me dearly and i have felt the pain, heart ache and sadness every single day since....
so, no advice here, other than to say if you and s/he, (or your friend and s/he, not exactly clear from the two posts..) truly love each other....grab on tight and dont let go of each other....if their/your love is that incredibly meaningful to you/them...it is very rare and special.....i regret my loss and if there was something/anything i could do to change what happened i would...the loss was and still is probably THE most devastating thing i have ever been thru thus far in my life and i dont think i will ever get completely past it...the one woman that did and forever will have my heart....i hope and pray the pain lessens with time.....but somehow i have my doubts...
You are in a long-distance relationship with someone. When you're together, sparks are flying and you both profess that "you've never felt this way before" to each other.
how long has the relationship been going on? how much in person time has been spent together? is this a new dating and see how things go situation with not a whole lot of time spent together? how far is the distance?
The two people have known each other since they were kids. His marriage ended about 6 months ago, and they first were reacquainted about a year ago. Over the past 6 months, he has been dating a bit here and there, but they have been spending a lot of time together as she has been back and forth due to an illness/death in the family.
You fly home. Your partner is just emerging from a 15 year marriage and her whole life is turning upside and she doesn't know if she's coming or going. You also know that she may be dating while you two are apart. You discuss it and you both agree not to talk about other people you see. Sort of like, out of sight, out of mind thing. If you don't discuss it, it doesn't exist.
i would be encouraging this woman to not make any commitments under these circumstances. if shes just ending a 15 year realtionship she will need some real time to recover from that and be in a place where she can be open to love again and not have it be a rebound realationship. it would be a healthy thing for her to take her time and see others before jumping into another long serious relationship. but the problem seems to be with the one who is ready for a realtionship, not that shes creating the problem, she isnt, but they are in two different states of readiness and from your description it appears that this is causing her some angst.
Yes, it's causing her quite a bit of angst. She is ready and she knows he isn't. She doesn't want to sit around waiting for something that might never come to be, but she doesn't want to let him go either.
You get daily text messages every morning and all day long. Neither of you are telephone people, so most of your communications are via text message and IRL meetings.
One day, you wake up and text "Happy Birthday". It's a Thursday. No response. No text Friday. None Saturday. Some time on late Sunday afternoon you receive a text as if all is well. You KNOW in your gut she was with another person all weekend. Now, you're getting the I Love You texts, and the I need you texts, but this pang in your gut tells you she was with the other woman. You find her facebook page and see the default picture is of the two of you when you traveled to an island together.
if shes already agreed that both can see others, there really is no cause for her to take issue with this. she might decide now that it really doesnt feel ok for her to continue this with those rules tho and she might say(without anger or hostility cause she agreed to the past rules) to this other woman, "i thought i could do this but i cant, so im going to bow out and if you decide later that you are ready for exploring the possibility of an exclusive relationship, and im still available, give me a call and we can take it from there."
Do you: 1) Feel like the backup plan? 2) Feel like the other woman is the "love the one you're with" plan?
i dont think id think her stuff was about me. id assume it was about her. shes been locked into a 15 year relationship and wants to check out all that is out there but also she needs time to find out things about herself. when you have been an "us" for that long rediscovering who the "me" is can take a bit of time. the issue for me is whether or not to put yourself thru someones growth period when the end is not known. it may work out for her or it may not. has the relationship become sexual? its harder, sometimes, for women to walk away once thats happened or to keep those yeah we can both date others concepts in place when sex enters the picture.
3) Go on a date with a local person who you're mildly interested in, but your heart is in the far away state?
nah, then youre sort of doing the same thing thats being done to you. if it were my friend, id say "whats wrong with spending some alone time until you find someone who is right for you?"
Now, imagine your partner is a man. What do you think the man is really thinking/doing? How would you respond?
id think the same rules apply in terms of response. they have set the limits for the relationship and its up to the partner to decide if she wants that kind of relationship or not so its really not about the other person and what they want, its about what you want in a relationship and that doesnt seem to be gender driven. however, males supposedly have a much harder time adjusting after the break up of a long time relationship and suffer more depression, etc and because of that may settle in to a new relationship a bit quicker.
I think it's different for men for a variety of reasons. One of them is that they do have a harder time of adjusting from a divorce. Men are creatures of habit, and when their routine is disrupted, they don't bounce back all too quickly. They're more apt to enter into another long-term relationship whether they're ready or not, because they always think they're ready. That's just my limited personal experience.
You are in a long-distance relationship with someone. When you're together, sparks are flying and you both profess that "you've never felt this way before" to each other.
how long has the relationship been going on? how much in person time has been spent together? is this a new dating and see how things go situation with not a whole lot of time spent together? how far is the distance?
You fly home. Your partner is just emerging from a 15 year marriage and her whole life is turning upside and she doesn't know if she's coming or going. You also know that she may be dating while you two are apart. You discuss it and you both agree not to talk about other people you see. Sort of like, out of sight, out of mind thing. If you don't discuss it, it doesn't exist.
i would be encouraging this woman to not make any commitments under these circumstances. if shes just ending a 15 year realtionship she will need some real time to recover from that and be in a place where she can be open to love again and not have it be a rebound realationship. it would be a healthy thing for her to take her time and see others before jumping into another long serious relationship. but the problem seems to be with the one who is ready for a realtionship, not that shes creating the problem, she isnt, but they are in two different states of readiness and from your description it appears that this is causing her some angst.
You get daily text messages every morning and all day long. Neither of you are telephone people, so most of your communications are via text message and IRL meetings.
One day, you wake up and text "Happy Birthday". It's a Thursday. No response. No text Friday. None Saturday. Some time on late Sunday afternoon you receive a text as if all is well. You KNOW in your gut she was with another person all weekend. Now, you're getting the I Love You texts, and the I need you texts, but this pang in your gut tells you she was with the other woman. You find her facebook page and see the default picture is of the two of you when you traveled to an island together.
if shes already agreed that both can see others, there really is no cause for her to take issue with this. she might decide now that it really doesnt feel ok for her to continue this with those rules tho and she might say(without anger or hostility cause she agreed to the past rules) to this other woman, "i thought i could do this but i cant, so im going to bow out and if you decide later that you are ready for exploring the possibility of an exclusive relationship, and im still available, give me a call and we can take it from there."
Do you: 1) Feel like the backup plan? 2) Feel like the other woman is the "love the one you're with" plan?
i dont think id think her stuff was about me. id assume it was about her. shes been locked into a 15 year relationship and wants to check out all that is out there but also she needs time to find out things about herself. when you have been an "us" for that long rediscovering who the "me" is can take a bit of time. the issue for me is whether or not to put yourself thru someones growth period when the end is not known. it may work out for her or it may not. has the relationship become sexual? its harder, sometimes, for women to walk away once thats happened or to keep those yeah we can both date others concepts in place when sex enters the picture.
3) Go on a date with a local person who you're mildly interested in, but your heart is in the far away state?
nah, then youre sort of doing the same thing thats being done to you. if it were my friend, id say "whats wrong with spending some alone time until you find someone who is right for you?"
Now, imagine your partner is a man. What do you think the man is really thinking/doing? How would you respond?
id think the same rules apply in terms of response. they have set the limits for the relationship and its up to the partner to decide if she wants that kind of relationship or not so its really not about the other person and what they want, its about what you want in a relationship and that doesnt seem to be gender driven. however, males supposedly have a much harder time adjusting after the break up of a long time relationship and suffer more depression, etc and because of that may settle in to a new relationship a bit quicker.
You are in a long-distance relationship with someone. When you're together, sparks are flying and you both profess that "you've never felt this way before" to each other.
You fly home. Your partner is just emerging from a 15 year marriage and her whole life is turning upside and she doesn't know if she's coming or going. You also know that she may be dating while you two are apart. You discuss it and you both agree not to talk about other people you see. Sort of like, out of sight, out of mind thing. If you don't discuss it, it doesn't exist.
You get daily text messages every morning and all day long. Neither of you are telephone people, so most of your communications are via text message and IRL meetings.
One day, you wake up and text "Happy Birthday". It's a Thursday. No response. No text Friday. None Saturday. Some time on late Sunday afternoon you receive a text as if all is well. You KNOW in your gut she was with another person all weekend. Now, you're getting the I Love You texts, and the I need you texts, but this pang in your gut tells you she was with the other woman. You find her facebook page and see the default picture is of the two of you when you traveled to an island together.
Do you: 1) Feel like the backup plan? 2) Feel like the other woman is the "love the one you're with" plan? 3) Go on a date with a local person who you're mildly interested in, but your heart is in the far away state?
Now, imagine your partner is a man. What do you think the man is really thinking/doing? How would you respond?
